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Nickelback Lullaby Renditions

I just. Wait. You know what? I don’t even know what to say about this. Rockabye Baby! Music turns all your favorite classic rock jams into lullabies. Yes, THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING. This entire proposition is terrifying for the following reasons:

  • They’re probably making a metric fuckton of money doing this.
  • Nickelback.
  • Nine Inch Nails is now available in lullaby form.
  • Nickelback.
  • The same goes for AC/DC, Sabbath and Dave Matthews Band (oddly enough, DMB sounds exactly the same).
  • Nickelback.
  • There are no Motörhead tracks.
  • Nickelback.

I don’t know if I’m so angry I should be throwing things and punching holes in the wall, or if I’m so ashamed with humanity as a whole that something like this exists that I should just kill myself. Who in their right mind thought that making lullaby versions of Nickelback songs was a good idea? You know what that sounds like? Do you have any idea? Oh wait, you can just head on over to the Rockabye Baby! Music site and listen to two minute versions of all the tracks. [Don’t actually do that. You can find far more productive things to do with 24 minutes of your time.] Spoiler alert: It sounds like an infant having a seizure in front of a Little Tikes xylophone, during an episode of Blue’s Clues, while Steve is on a bender.

If you’re so inclined–or you happen to have kids and want to emotionally stunt their growth and chances of getting laid for all eternity because Mozart stimulates baby’s brain so obviously Nickelback will fuck it up forever–you can purchase the entire album for only ONE DOLLAR A SONG. What the fuck is this world coming to?

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